How I overcame my inexpressiveness and learned to show up

I have always struggled with expressing myself, especially in moments of grief. When someone passes away, I freeze. Not because I don’t care, but because it triggers everything I went through when I lost my grandfather and father within a year. It’s a such a strange paradox—wanting to show up for others but being held back by the weight of your own past losses.

A couple of years ago, I was at a personal low when my friend lost his sister. I wanted to be there for him, but I had never really done this before. The fear of saying the wrong thing, of making it about myself, lack of confidence on my speaking skills, held me back. I had the intent, but not the words.

I turned to something that had worked for me in different areas of life—the Alter Ego Framework.

Breaking Through Inexpressiveness with the Alter Ego Framework

I have been using alter egos for different purpose. This time, I needed an alter ego not for success, confidence, or leadership, but for something far simpler (on paper): to be the person my friend needed me to be.

Step 1: Developing Intent

The first step in the Alter Ego Framework is intent. And I had that—I wanted to be there for my friend. But intent alone wasn’t enough. I needed to channel it into action.

Step 2: Understanding Our Evolution & Discovering Our Backstory

I reflected on my own grief. When my father passed away, I had withdrawn from everyone. I didn't talk for months. And yet, there was one person who never stopped calling me—my oldest friend, Harpreet. I had relocated, hadn't made new friends and the older ones were too far. I was in Delhi, she was in Bilaspur, Chhattisgarh, we were 13-ish, didn't have personal mobile phones, social media and smart phones hadn't taken over yet but Harpreet always called to check on me.

I reflected on what she used to say, but nothing came to mind. About two decades later, all that I remember was not her words, but her presence.

That’s it hit me—what if it isn't about expressiveness or words. But simply showing up?

So I told myself—expressiveness and showing up are two different things. You don’t have to be an extrovert. You don’t have to be a great orator. You just have to be there. I wanted to be there.

Step 3: Forgiveness & Gratitude

I had to forgive myself. I always thought words and expression are my weakness but it's the situation, grief leaves us out of words. It is NOT about me. Even if the best motivational speakers, like Sadhguru or Gaur Gopal Das had walked in during my worst days, their words wouldn’t have helped my grief. Because when grief is raw, there are no right words. It just needs to be felt without judgements.

I wasn’t failing my friend now because of my past struggles. If anything, my past had prepared me for this moment. I was grateful for the people who had shown up for me, and now, I could do the same.

Step 4: Overcoming Fears & developing Self-belief

Yes, I struggle with expressiveness. I find networking awkward. But I am good at maintaining friendships and building relationships. I needed to tap into this side of mine to overcome my limits and reservations. I may not say the perfect thing, but I can show up. That's at least something better than not showing up at all.

Step 5: Goal Setting & Prioritization

My goal was simple: show up. Not fix, not advise, not distract. Just be present.

I had a tendency to shift conversations towards my own life. I didn’t want to. Especially, this time.

So, I planned every conversation carefully—today, I’ll ask about his parents. Tomorrow, I’ll ask about his dog. It wasn’t about avoiding deep conversations, but about letting them unfold naturally.

Step 6: Shifting Identity – Crafting an Alter ego

I borrowed from Harpreet’s identity. I imagined how she would show up if she were in my shoes. Read articles and blogs, podcasts to prepare myself for it. How she had been consistent, patient, and kind. She was my alter ego, her way of being, because I admired it.

Step 7: Behavioral Change – Small, Consistent Actions

I started small. A check-in text. A call. A quiet presence. I didn’t pressure myself to be profound. I focused on being there, one moment at a time. Overthinking was my biggest enemy, so I replaced it with small acts of care.

Step 8: Habit Formation – Making Empathy a Practice

The more I showed up, the easier it became. I also started talking to strangers on public transport, markets, while traveling, just to listen to their stories. I realized that being present wasn’t just about saying the right things but lending an ear to someone. This one moment—it was about training myself to be there for people in need.

Once I let go of my fear, I also learned to express sensibly.

Step 9: Building New belief system

I wasn’t just acting like Harpreet anymore. I was becoming that friend myself. This wasn’t about playing a role; it was about embracing a new, more expressive version of myself. A version that could navigate grief—not by fixing, but by holding space.

My new belief systems replaced old ones:

It isn't about what you say but if you show up
Even if you can't express, you can still listen and have a good communication
It's not always about my weakness. Grief has a way of rendering us inexpressive.

I didn’t know if I helped my friend in any way, but I knew this process was changing me. Now I understand why they say, it's not about the journey or the destination but who you become in the process. This process was making me break through my self-imposed limits. And it worked.

Step 10: The Journey of Becoming

Today, I showed up for another friend in grief. He has lost his mother. I didn’t overthink it. I did think about my father but it was just a thought that crossed my mind without triggering me. I still don’t always know what to say. It’s still awkward. But I know now that words are secondary. Presence is everything.

Trevor Noah once gave an analogy—friends are like our Horcruxes (reference: Harry Potter) . They hold parts of us, complete us. Similarly, alter ego is another word for friend. It is a part of us, motivated by our intent but acts differently, as we need, just like how our friends do. In the same way we borrowed their toys as kids, why don't we borrow their best behaviors as adults?

So here’s to friends who show up for us. Here’s to evolving beyond our labels, beyond our limitations. Because if you love enough, if you have the intent, you can become who you need to be. 🖤