How I balanced work, life and motherhood using my alter ego.

My Background:

I am Sakshi (I prefer to keep my surname secret to protect my identity). My alter ego's name is Sakshi Newyi. I'm a 33-year-old Chartered Accountant, originally from Indore, MP, now residing in Delhi for the past 15 years. My husband is truly sweet and understanding, and my mother-in-law is even cooler than my mother. Ours was a love marriage.

Have you ever experienced that peculiar feeling where everything seems good, but you can't quite grasp why you're not truly happy? This was the stage we found ourselves in after five years of marriage. The most common advice I received was to have a baby, and we welcomed our first child two years ago. Everyone was thrilled. I was happy. However, things became more challenging after my maternity leave ended.

While maternity leave provided a brief respite, returning to work brought the struggle of a new mother's guilt and the fear of professional shortcomings. I knew I couldn't give as much as my other colleagues at work, so expecting substantial appreciation or monetary benefits would be unfair. The motivation to perform was dwindling, compounded by the guilt that I wasn't doing enough. Even at the office, my thoughts were constantly with my child. As a mother, I couldn't spend as much time as I desired.

I have always been meritorious, having studied at SRCC, Delhi, and cleared the CA exam on my first attempt. Yet, I found myself falling short in every aspect now. The thought of quitting my job and taking a break for a couple of years crossed my mind, but was it a regressive step? What if I couldn't return to work? My self-confidence had taken a hit. Marriage changes everything for women!

My Journey:

However, things began to change. I already had the intent and purpose for change. So, I started with goal 2 at my first FLY meetup. The meetup shattered many stereotypes. Community members shared their experiences, highlighting the benefits of having educated mothers as housewives and the positive impact on their children's lives. I used to believe that only uneducated or super-rich wives chose to be homemakers, a myth that was promptly debunked.

I'm sure many women can relate to my struggles. Our Indian upbringing, especially in small-town middle-class environments, conditions us to believe that women must be perfect at everything and sacrifice for everyone. On the other hand, modern-day social media further intensifies this belief, portraying modernity as rebellious and entitlement.

A fellow participant asked me - "if with all your education and merit, you could fall into the trap of going by norms, primitive social norms, or the modern social media norms, why blame the previous generations or Instagram for it?"

We all pledged to take ownership of our lives, controlling what we could and adapting to situations beyond our control. It was time to get over a blaming mindset and make a conscious choice of change.

Returning to work after maternity leave isn't easy, and it's challenging for working mothers in mid-management positions. The pressure is immense, with responsibilities divided between actual work, family, and the child. I realized the need to manage my time, set priorities, and, most importantly, learn to seek help and communicate my needs to family members and the workplace.

Understanding my evolution, how belief systems are formed, and appreciating other points of view were the next goals achieved in the meetup. This self-awareness is crucial in navigating our lives and surroundings.

Next, I moved on to unlock goal 5: practicing forgiveness and gratitude. I forgave myself for my imperfections and unawareness. Often, we overlook what we have over what we lack. Sharing family experiences and favorite memories during the meetup reminded us of the reasons we love our loved ones, invoking gratitude and providing a sense of purpose.

In the following meetup, I tackled goal 4. I learned various prioritizing and time management techniques, identifying the intersection of my needs and the strengths of those around me. I understood the importance of delegating tasks at home and trusting my husband and mother-in-law to share responsibilities for our child and home.

To do this, during the next meetup, I created an alter ego, inspired by my idol, Indra Nooyi. I read her book 'My Life in Full: Work, Family, and Our Future' to gain motivation. In one of her discussions she says, "Women can have it all, just not at the same time. The biological clock and the career clock are in total conflict with each other. You can't find that balance." But I wanted the balance at the same time. I kept looking for solution and inspiration. The common factor among most women leaders, particularly Indian women leaders was their support system in family. I took inspiration from other women leaders like Vineeta Singh of Sugar Cosmetics. Learning to seek help is the key!

Naming her 'Sakshi Newyi,' I activated this alter ego with a playlist of uplifting songs, with "Dhakad" from the movie Dangal and "Flawless" by Beyonce being my favorites. Even though there are no formal dress code rules at work, I discovered that wearing formal or semi-formal attire with pumps boosted my confidence and made me feel more empowered.

My mother-in-law was delighted and incredibly supportive, taking on responsibilities like bathing and massaging my child, and cooking, which she loved. However, I didn't want to burden her entirely, influenced by small-town values. So, we found a middle ground— I handle breakfast and lunch, while she takes care of dinner. This arrangement alleviated my worries and guilt when work made me late, a situation that used to result in ordering food from outside or waiting for me till very late. My husband took on the responsibility of laundry and supervising house helps. Delegating these tasks made a significant difference in my overall well-being.

At work, I decided to be more efficient by cutting short tea breaks and lunch breaks and minimizing distractions. I spoke with my line manager about my challenges and set clear boundaries. While I may not be able to work for 12-14 hours every day, the 8 hours I devote are highly focused. Recently, I've received admiration and appreciation for the positive changes, even from my male colleagues. They understand and respect my approach. I now feel a sense of respect and, most importantly, increased confidence. Working for 8 hours with focused attention is more productive than being overwhelmed by responsibilities for 12 hours. I have rediscovered my self-worth.

Previously, I was consumed by overthinking and resentment towards others for not recognizing my need for help, impacting my marriage and family. However, things have improved significantly in the last 5-6 months.

I sense that people tend to appreciate new mothers more for being mothers than for their work. I am still learning to believe people when they appreciate me; I'm working on being more confident. Currently, I have saved at least 3 hours from household chores and an equivalent amount from work. I am now getting 7 hours of sleep and am on a mission to find time to work out and lose the extra weight gained postpartum.

This journey was precisely what I needed at this juncture of my life and marriage. Marriage changes a lot for women, creating conflicting emotions and confusion. I felt the pressure to prove myself at work while dealing with numerous expectations in my personal life. Fortunately, I've managed to find my balance and confidence back.

Closing note:

I hope my alter ego story resonates with and inspires other new mothers facing similar challenges. Please know, it's okay to want it all. Be unapologetic about your ambitions and back them with actions. You don't necessarily have to choose between a career and a family. Striking that balance is possible. You won't be able to do it alone, so don't be afraid to seek help. By taking charge, setting priorities, seeking assistance, and finding that delicate balance, you too can navigate the intricate dance between personal and professional aspirations. Let your journey be guided by purpose, self-discovery, and the unwavering belief that you deserve success on all fronts. Embrace the power within you, and may your path be paved with the strength to achieve your dreams.